Summer into Autumn 2025

 

I once had a boss who ...

 

... had " You don't have to be mad to work here but it helps" on the wall behind her desk.

 

It was written in her own shit!

 

One of the Woods objectives ...

 

... for this year was to improve the habitat for birds and bees - I'd seen a few good videos on this subject though they seemed to mostly involve naked women with implants. The two of the team with most interest in this are Tuesday Dave and Mike both gardeners and nature lovers.

 

We are going to plant shrubs like buddliea which attract butterflies but the number one thing was to create a wild pond - nothing flash but hopefully in keeping with the Woods and not too townie. My original plan was to get Stephen the tree lad who came with his digger ( see last blog) to thin the Ash but he didn't have a bucket or any enthusiasm for it.

 

So trusty Doris the all rounder ...

 

.. was fitted with her rusty bucket and with Dave's driving skills and Mike's groundworks directions a decent hole was excavated without too much effort for us old gits. Typically then, it didn't rain for months so progress was slow but maybe we'll come back for an update next year. By the end of the summer the birds were loving it and the variety of butterflies was up to 4 and a dragonfly was spotted ... where the hell did he spring from?

 

Doris isn't really designed for this sort of job but she's a game old girl now 40 yrs old and did what we needed her to - Mike in front asking for another couple of inches like his wife.

Unlike the late Les Dawson I always ...

 

... got on with my mother in law Betty. To clarify, for those who are unfamiliar with the work of the above gent part of his act was mother in law jokes ... he didn't have a massive downer on Betty, just as well as she'd have beaten the crap out of him!

 

From her turning up at my section house to check out her daughter's new boyfriend in 1986 to her death last year at the age of 93 she was a fan and supportive.

 

She hardly slapped me at my wedding ...

 

... when in my speech I said I called my new mother in law my treasure on account of her sunken chest and took the occasional wind up well. As she lay dying her last words were "buy yourself a new pick up with some of the dosh from selling my house". Well, that's what I told my wife as she'd popped out for a few mins and here it is below:

Ok so it's grey and boring like me but the plan is it sees me out - Pictured on it's maiden voyage into the Woods before it gets covered in mud & someone damages it ... that didn't take long , see below!

Some logs take a bit longer ...

 

... to get converted from the round into boards than others. A few months can pass with a big awkward one until I can pin down either New Forest Rob or Ant to come with their first cut milling rigs to get it to a size that will go on a bandsaw.

 

The one below first appeared in the blog 18 months ago when Ant cut it from the root stem shortly after it fell over. The plan was to wait until the ground was drier but as sometimes happens particularly on a busy farm when it's dry other stuff occupies them and for one reason and another it was late Spring this year when Rob was lured from Cornwall and his new woodland to do the honours.

Rob did a vertical cut taking about 8 inches off to leave the main lump about 28" wide and manageable. Quite a sappy Walnut but no shake and good coloured heartwood.

A distinguishing looking man knocks on the door of a ...

 

.. high class brothel and asks to see Rosie. The madam tells him that Rosie is her most expensive lady at £10000 a night and would he rather see a cheaper girl? No, it has to be Rosie - so in he goes. The next evening he's back wanting Rosie again and won't settle for anyone one else.

 

On his third night in a row Rosie herself is intrigued and after performimng her service comments. I've never had a client come back twice in a week let alone three times in 3 days. Where do you come from? she asks. Romford he replies.

 

Oh, I have family in Romford ...

 

... Rosie says. I know, the man says. Your mother has died and I'm her solicitor. Your sister wanted me to give you your £30000 share of the inheritance.

 

As 2025 passed ...

 

... on the surface like many of the others with perhaps a bit less work I was conscious that it was the beginning of the end of the input particularly of Tuesday and Thursday Daves and for sure eventually me as we're older and slower. I wasn't expecting it quite so soon - more later

 

We did make new screens ...

 

... to protect the timber from sunlght as they were like us getting old and falling to bits.

It was a real full team effort with Mike and Tuesday Dave milling the douglas fir for the frames. Next Thursday Dave made the frames and finally young Matt on a Sunday having shown a skill with both a manual and electric stapler fixing on the new netting.

 

I did ask Mike and Dave who'd just cut the wood leaning for the frames to pretend to be working on them for my picture but the old buggers 147 years old between them and aware no modelling fees would come their way made themselves scarce until I got bored and went to make the tea !

When I was in my 20s I asked a girlfriend ...

 

... if she'd be up for a threesome. I was delighted when she said yes! I was less so a few days later when she slept with two girls from her hockey team (No, she didn't let me watch)

 

On a truer note I was annoyed last summer when DHL dumped me with two weeks notice from their business services where they collected from the workshop. I might have mentioned this already in a previous blog that the post office is cheaper and more efficient.

 

I have a choice of drop off points ...

 

... the village shop in St Mary Bourne which is fine or the Enham village shop in Enham Alamein on the a343 between Andover and Hurstbourne Tarrant. This is an award winning shop that has everything and most importantly to me a policy that if we are open the post office is too for your convenience.

 

This works particularly for me on a Sunday and is a pleasure using the shop with Leslie and her team never grumpy about my big smoking woods boxes. There is also excellent parking though one female shop user in a Range Rover she obvs can't drive drove into the back of my new pick up a week after I got it may disagree ... she didn't even apologise announcing there was no damge to mine (there was) but lots to hers - she was at least correct about this!

 

Brilliant community facility, well stocked with Cornettos!